About a week ago we met with a family in the suburbs of Atlanta. The mother adopted their eleven-year-old daughter when she was four years old from a special needs orphanage in Nicaragua. Their daughter has a non-malignant tumor in her cerebellum that affects motor and cognitive functioning, variants of the Dandy-walker Syndrome, traumatic brain injuries from early childhood, and a brain atrophy from malnutrition from before she went to the orphanage. Although she has no behavioral issues, her IQ is very low and she functions at a kindergarten or 1st grade level academically. We spoke with all three of her siblings, two of which are step-siblings. I (Ellie) will be covering her full sibling and Claire will talk about one of her step-siblings.
The first daughter we spoke with is 7 years old and, as her mother described, at the opposite of the intellectual spectrum as her older sister. She is part of the talented and gifted program at her school and functions at levels beyond her grade level in school subjects. When we asked her about her relationships with her step-siblings, she was very detailed and animated in her descriptions of how they interact together. However, when speaking about her older sister, she was less articulate and unsure of how to depict her relationship with her. She told us that, in referring to her sister, “she sort of understands stuff I say” and “she reacts different than me and I don’t really know what to do.” She said that “it’s different” to play with her other siblings than it is to play with her older sister. “She has a different life sort of and I don’t really know what to do,” the seven-year old told us.
The mother of the family assured us that this seven-year-old will not be her sister’s caregiver later on in life. In contrast to the other child interviews that we have conducted thus far, this girl did not have unwavering positive attitude regarding her sister, which is something I identified with. It was clear from our interview that she doesn’t regard her older sister with buckets of love and compassion and she still isn’t completely sure how she fits into her life. Though so young, she is still figuring out how to even talk about her sister, something I am still having trouble doing. I think that it is important that we have more of these diverse interviews, those that push us to think harder, widen our information pool, or even make us uncomfortable. From this interview, we can really see how sibling resources are vital, so that girls like this one can learn to talk to people about their siblings and gain support from those that understand her.
As Ellie explained, I will be blogging about the 12-year-old stepbrother in this family, who I’ll be calling Peter in this post. I want to start by saying that Peter was certainly the most mature, thoughtful, and thoroughly kind 12-year-old boy I have ever met. We’ll never know if Peter was naturally this way or if his experience as a sib had shaped him in this positive way but it was clear to us almost immediately how much time Peter spends thinking about his stepsister.
At first, when we asked Peter to describe her, he noted that she was extremely kind, happy, and was able to get along well with people, a trait his other sister also noted. However, later when we asked Peter about if he ever worried about her, he noted that he often envisioned her as a wounded gazelle, in his words “she is hurt but she can still fend for herself”. Renee, Ellie, and I were all blown away by this thoughtful response as we had all been expecting a much less colorful yet accurate response than that.
Despite the fact that the siblings don’t talk to each other that much, Peter told us that he would “hug her every now and then” and would help encourage her to socialize with her sisters and with her classmates. When we asked Peter a general question about the future, he quickly made it clear that he already thinks of how he will continue to support and encourage his sister as they both age and mature. As with most young sibs we’ve talked to, Peter had not spent much time talking to other sibs about his experience, though he did tell us about his friend at school whose younger brother is in Peter’s grade and has a disability. Peter told us that he’s very good at including this boy, whom he considers to be a good friend, and always makes an effort to sit with him at lunch and socialize with him in general. I don’t want to over do it in my praise of Peter, but there certainly weren’t that many 12 year old boys at my school that made an effort to include kids who struggled more socially so his tale of inclusion definitely warmed my heart.
We always close each interview by asking the sibs to tell us one question they would want to ask other sibs. Often, sibs ask Ellie and me to share our “sib story”. Peter surprised us by asking the following:
“What would it like to be Mary* for one day, how would it be to think like her or just be like her, to think like her, to see like her, to see everything in a positive way but still not be able to do that thing?”
I am so grateful for the opportunity to have met and talked with this young man and to have gotten the chance to hear his wise-beyond-his-years comments about his relationship with his special sister.
Ellie and Claire