Another theme we have seen over this trip has been the avid participation of sibs in the arts world, specifically theatre. I, too, was an ardent member of the theatre community for many years up until high school. For me, and for many of the other sibs involved in the arts we have spoken with, the world of performance made for an excellent way to get out of the house, steal some much-fancied attention, and make a name for myself outside of the one my family provided for me. In her case, she grew up in an artist community, immersed in the drama, so to speak. I met Hannah* at an acting camp that she and I attended for many years. By the time I found out that she was also a sib, she was already a counselor while I was still a camper. Having said that, this story has nothing to do with performance on the stage.
Hannah has been watching out for her younger sister, Julia*, for most of her life. Like many others, Julia has been given a range of diagnoses over the years, but her current one is Asperger’s. On that note, Hannah speculates that “a different diagnosis doesn’t mean that she’s different, it just means that someone is calling it something else” and is basically just for medical and services purposes… a firm diagnosis is really only good for legal and political reasons.” I mention this because it is a huge part of Hannah’s role in Julia’s life. Both Hannah and her parents all share power of attorney over her sister. We asked her what it is like to play such an integral part in decision-making in her sister’s life. She responded that she thinks she offers up another perspective in those choices, which she believes is helpful to her parents.
We spoke with Hannah in great detail about social issues regarding her sister. “Watching the difficulty she experienced in trying to assimilate into the culture of our school put me in this position of, rather than making friends because I enjoyed it, I went about making friends so that other people had friends. I would always find the person that no one was talking to.” Similarly, she chose her friends based on comrades whom she knew would be okay also spending time with her sister. She told us that Julia doesn’t really have any friends of her own; most of them she shares with Hannah. It took Hannah a long time to figure out what type of relationship she and her sister could truly have because she is constantly protecting her sister and has seen what happens when “her social situations spin out of control.”
Like many others sibs, especially those we have interviewed who grew up in metropolitan areas, Hannah immersed herself in academics. There was the unspoken expectation that she would be self-sufficient and “to me that translated into making sure that I never got in trouble and I always had great grades and I never created a situation that they had to deal with.” “Rather than succeeding in other places in my life and having that be enough, I think I’m still very fixated on academic success… because of her,” she told us. And, she has taken this philosophy with her past high school. Now a triple major at a prestigious university (psychology, neurobiology, microbiology), she strives to understand the human brain while also running a bagel business and a theatre company. And, she just got married.
While it appears that her life is a stimulating, constantly busy, rollercoaster, she talks about how intensely growing up in her household affected her personality now. “I’m reluctant to talk about myself with people, which I think comes from most of my concerns as a kid being about [Julia] and whether or not she was okay, whether she was safe, and sometimes that makes it hard to have social interactions that are comprised of small talk because I don’t quite know…sometimes it’s hard to remember that information about me might be pertinent to a conversation.” She told us how difficult it is for her to speak openly about her feelings in her family. “I always felt like it was my job to not have feelings about it or want to talk about it,” a sentiment we have unfortunately seen in many other sibs’ reflections on growing up. Though she grew up in the theatre world, she now prefers the spotlight not to be pointed on her.
“It’s hard to know what to want sometimes,” she told us regarding her sister. She told us that she struggles with some of the decisions her sister makes and how they don’t have that much in common and how her sister has put her through a lot which has made it arduous to have a relationship with her. “Letting go of the really strong desire to have a sibling that I could be unafraid of letting my guard down [with],” was a notion she had to come to later in life when she realized that she probably would not have the “typical” sibling relationship with Julia that her friends and cousins had with their siblings.
While I had already looked up to Hannah from her amazing camp counselor skills, this interview solidified an even greater appreciation. Like many other sibs we have spoken with, Hannah, it seems, questions whether or not she has the “right” to be affected so strongly by her sister. ”I hate to say, put me through a lot, but it feels like that sometimes,” she told us honestly. Quiet and thoughtful, her many facets highlight a reflective nature that is continually striving to learn more about “raising the awareness of the holistic nature of a person’s life.”
*Name has been changed